Every now and then people make plans for their future and the list keeps getting longer.As circumstances and situations change so do those plans, some will stay on that list while some are scratched off. Just like everybody, I too have my own bucket list but it’s not exhaustively long or unattainable – it’s always been short and interestingly none of the goals were ever dropped even if the future looked gloomy I always had a little faith.

Here’s my bucket list:

•  Buy a small 2 bedroom apartment or a town house in a safe and affordable country in Europe
•  Have a stable business /job that pays the bills
•  Be able to take some time out to pursue scale modeling and writing
•  Have a loving wife who grows old with me and lives through the highs and lows of life

Life has thrown a lot of storms my way and so far I have sailed through most of them. I am happy to report that none of the wishes/goals above were ever forgone and have stood the test of time beautifully. I have already achieved goals 2 and 3 so it’s just goals 1 and 4 that need to be taken care of. I am not worried about the last one but goal #1 is my top priority as I have been saving up every penny I can for the last two years and in one year’s time I’ll be able to go apartment hunting on a budget.

These are the countries that made it to my list after countless hours of online research studying laws and procedures of acquiring property in these places, risks involved, market trends and discussions with real people who bought property in these countries as holiday homes so on and so forth:

Some of these countries require Non-EU nationals to form a company in the country before acquiring a residential property and some do not. If you keep your expectations low and just want to buy a place to live in clean, scenic and beautiful environment with lots of character surrounding your apartment /cottage or townhouse then you can find plenty of good options in the countryside and small towns in this list. I’ll be looking out for places that offer views of a mountain range or the sea along the coast otherwise I’ll even be happy in a village as long as there’s plenty of greenery and tiny homes around.

The reason why Europe became the highlight of my list was because of its mix of winter and sunshine otherwise it would have definitely been Canada. I love winter but then I miss sunshine too so for this reason Europe fits the bill. I will able to afford a 4-month escape to my holiday home every year if I put my extra expenses on a diet.

Sometimes I wonder if would get lonely there but then again I am so used to living alone that this thought shouldn’t even cross my mind. I can cook, keep the house tidy (and sanitized), make electrical and plumbing repairs, fix the fuckin toilet, kill cockroaches and lizards, so I guess I should be okay.

On the brighter side, I’ll have the entire place to myself and can watch horror and action/comedies all day long! Cook things that would gross my family out like steaming a lobster, frying snails in butter or throwing a duck into the oven. Work on my novella. Not answer when annoying neighbors show up at the door (they are inevitable wherever you go in the world).

I pray that I live to see those days in good health and die with a smile waiting to be taken to my final resting place.

I think I am losing it. Its going at a slow rate but its steady. I am slowly losing the ability to tell the difference between reality and surrealism. Living alone for so long has really made me so antisocial that I find it so hard to accept people in my life now. Make no mistake – people are extremely important in one’s life and act as those pivotal roles in helping one either climb that ladder to success or simply move on but whatever your case maybe – its definitely not as sublime as this one.

Over the past couple of years I noticed that I have become really numb to anything along the lines of emotion. Sometimes I wish I could walk out of this body, become two – bash myself real good and then jump backin. It’s like I know I am there and I am doing things but I am not thinking andjust do them. Like for example, a friend comes over and makes plans to go for a movie – I’ll happily tag along but if he or she asks me at the end of the night whether I enjoyed myself then I don’t know what to say. I am literally fighting for words at that time trying to come up with an answer they would like to hear. In reality however half of the time I aint even there – I am like milesaway in space.

In another case a very good friend breaks up with me and instead of feeling bad or shedding a tear I just don’t know how to react. My observation says I am supposed to feel bad atleast but my brain refuses to let me. Instead, I’ll actually be calling up the same friend n talk like as if nothing happened and then they begin to think I am weird.

Well maybe I am weird. Maybe I don’t understand relationships, happiness or grief anymore and I am probably becoming less like a human – more like a machine. I am literally spending hours everyday trying to think how all this came to be. What can possibly be the solution to this problem? Is it going to take a really huge magnitude of pain and take away things that I don’t even have to finally make me feel more like a normal human being or will it just come with time?

I just wish I could stop thinking how dumb a person is when he/she  gets down with a sob story and actually go out there and help them. I wish I could go out with somebody to a restaurant instead of enjoying my own company which I have started to adore for the last few years. I wish I could stop thinking that I am my own best friend and realize that I am carrying this baggage all alone. I just wish I could cry out loud after writing this entry because this is exactly how I feel but even know my mind’s somewhere else. It’s trying to figure out what would help me sleep easy tonight. Funny, it's the same thing every night. Rolfe Kent's masterpiece - Falling in Bed playing on the loop till the eyes shut.